The Midnight News
Firstly, you know that you rule already so I'm not gonna kiss up to you, but I need help! I don't no if you still have any contact with ur old running buddy Eric S, but if you do, even the slightest accquaintence, please please PLEASE get him to leave Inside Pulse! Get him to join you or get a blog or whatever, I DONT FUCKING CARE SO LONG AS I NEVER EVER HAVE TO GO TO THAT PEICE OF SHIT, CRASH EVERY FUCKING DAY SITE INSIDE PULSE EVER AGAIN. He is literally the only writer on that site that is any fucking good since Kieth doesn't write no more (which is fair enough; he wants to make some money), and who isn't a Kieth or Hyatte rip-off, and isn't boring as fuck. Also get him to tell your old boss that it will ALWAYS be a wrestling site, no matter how much he tries to hide it. And I thought he was the brains behind 411?
RJM
Well, I know Eric reads sooo.... come on over Eric, come meet an actual audience.
The sad thing is, my old boss isn't running much of a wrestling site either these days.
Bro, you do realize that if TNA goes head to head with Raw ever, you will have to come back. You... will HAVE to come back. Deal?
Gino
NO!!!
And... like... what do I get out of this?
Apparently you don't really like us blacks huh? Don't worry Hyatte, I forgive you. And to make you feel comfortable, I have the following to say: "Well Massa Hyatte, I sho' do luvs readin' yo columns. Since I dun learnt how ta read and write, yous da best thang goin'! Well, I gotta go...I got a liquor sto' to rob, watermelon to eat, and some cotton to pick!" I'm sure that just warms your heart. Take care,
-Another black guy dumb enough to read your column
I'm having fuckbuddy sex with a black girl these days, yo. And I don't even have to pay her.
I was just reading the midnight news and something occured to me. You Hyatte, have been stringing us readers along like youre gonna quit, counting down like some great big international event, but as the date got nearer and nearer and nearer, you bottled the fuck out!!!!! You slimey old toad. Youve dropped a big poo pie in your pants at the thought of not being top dog on that shitty website about the type of wrestling that no-one gives a shit about, and now the thought of living your remaining days in subtle annonymity are so unbearable that youre snuggling your nose between our cheeks, playing kissy kissy bum-lick to see if we'll beg you to stay. I fell for it. I sent you a pleasant mail, saying id still read if you carried on. But ive changed my mind. You can fuck off. You fuckin DICK! ..........Unless you start re-capping wrestling again. At least WWE shows and PPVs and TNA PPVs like them mop-ups you used to do. If not.....there's no deal Sparky.....fuckin do one. You lazy shit-house. Rule Britannia.
Dirty Jim.
No, No, NO this is NOT me looking for reader love. This is me seriously thinking about leaving.
And I've been living my entire life in "subtle annonymity"... this column never did much to change that.
Finally, it is impossible to Mop-Up/Recap Pay Per Views... I tried it. My style needs stupid stuff BETWEEN matches... PPV's are usually ALL ABOUT the ring work... thus not compliant with my approach. I'm amazed no one has figured that out yet.
Hiya Life Smarks. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Enjoyed myself a nice 2 weeks off, was looking for ways to add a third week on, then decided to just plow ahead. Ain't I just the BEST??
Then I decided to take the third week off anyway... gives you all a nice three weeks of a non-Hyatte Internet to prepare for a more longer version.
Yeah, this is the fourth from last column, I think. The final four starts now. You are allowed to care or not care, I won't ruminate on it until the last one. Besides, Sean the MiC had no idea I was doing a column tonight... so when he wakes up, this will be a surprise... expect to see this posted sometime after noon.
Besides, it's like 8 in the morning by the time I'm finishing this, anyway. Late enough so quite a few people have checked around and decided, "The asshole must be in another sulk again!"
Off we go.
THE RESOLUTION WILL BE TELEVISED... ONLY I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT
Well... as luck and impulse would have it... I actually ordered Final Resolution and thought, "wouldn't it be great if I tried to Mop-Up this three hour show!!"
So I did... but got sick of writing it after the halfway point... and, like, TOTALLY coasted!
Enjoy!!
-The big pre-show to kick things off... I'm sorry, I was watching the Patriots put on a CLINIC and show those young Charger kids just HOW a "playoff team" gets things done! Great game!
-TNA: We Are Wrestling! Again... WITH WHAT??? SOBRIETY??? INCOMPETENCE??? BUSH'S PLAN TO SEND MORE TROOPS TO IRAQ?? WHAT??? WHAT FOR GOD'S SAKES!!
-They compare TNA's wrestlers with the Seven Deadly Sins... and someone had the good sense to sneak a shot of Samoa Joe during the "Gluttony" part... ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO CARROTS, CHUBBY????
-an old, old, OLD clip of Muhammed Ali gets a cameo. I hear Ali tried to order the PPV, but every time he used the clicker he kept going to channel 111, and 222, and 333, and 444, or 555, and 666, and 777. Then he gave up and made himself a milkshake... WITHOUT A BLENDER!!! (rimshot)
-Mike Tenay and Don West wheazed out a welcome! Tenay promised that the only meat that will be RIPPED from the bone tonight will be at the fried chicken buffet backstage. After hearing that, sitting at home, Ron Killings screamed, "WHAT!! AND THEY DIDN'T BOOK ME ON THIS SHOW!! F$%^#NG WHITE MAN!!!" and threw the TV out of the window... then he re-checked the knots on the owners and went back to his place.
-AJ Styles is out first. How can you tell that AJ is now a HEEL?? Because he's SMILING!! We are now a criminal state. Shed a tear.
-Rhino RAN out... the stopped, caught his breathe, and RAN again... for a guy who SPRINTS everywhere... he's sure a pudgy dude.
-Tenay made it LOUD AND CLEAR that these two boys are NOT "curtain jerkers" but instead, this Last Man Standing match is PROOF that we are in for an AMAZING display of Wrestling tonight! Top to bottom! Oh no, these aren't "Time Fillers While the Rubes are still Finding Their seats!" Nosiree.... AJ Styles is the "New Face of Professional Wrestling"
-Cameras show the JACKED UP CROWD.... including one guy missiing a front tooth!... THE NEW FACE OF PROFESSIONAL RASSLIN'!!
-The bell rang, Rhyno RAN after AJ... AJ LIGHTLY JOGGED away. Rhyno got winded. AJ stopped and chatted with the ringside fans. Rhyno RAN again. AJ POWER WALKED out of the way. Rhyno collapsed thrpough the ropes and bumped into AJ. AJ sold it like HHH just hit him with a sledgehammer.
-Back in the ring, AJ dazzled THE WORLD with his crazy ballerina-like moves. The world was busy wondering how Jack Bauer was going to escape the clutches of that evil terrorist... then flipped back to hear Tenay brag about all the assholes who were turned away that night... because that Orlanda crowd ain't bright enough to buy their tickets two weeks ahead... no matter how many times they are sent home.
-AJ won a fall with a beautiful swan dive! Rhyno got up before the ten count. Earl Hebner was doing the counting and Tenay inferred that Earl was being slow and deliberate this time around! "THERE WILL BE NO REPEAT OF MONTREAL IN 1997," promised Tenay... desperately.
-Rhyno set up a table for no reason, then remembered that this spot was a good eight minutes away... so he left it there and just Gored AJ. Tenay never mentioned the table again. Russo SWERVE!!!
-I gotta say, when AJ takes a Gore he TAKES A GORE!! The little Inbred pulled a Jim Backlund and SPUN around.
-Jim Backlund... a reference straight out of the 80's! YOU FRIGGIN' MARKS THINK I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT WRESTLING????
-Rhyno pinned AJ and Hebner slowly started counting! Tenay said, "HE BETTER NOT START COUNTING FAST!!! WE DON'T WANT A REPEAT OF THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL MOMENT IN WRESTLING HISTORY!!!"
-AJ COULD have gotten up, but realized that his paycheck will be the same no matter what and sat back down. He pointed to his head. Rhyno pointed to his own but his finger slipped on the grease and he jabbed himself in the eye. He started screaming in pain. Hebner ignored the idiot and made the ten count. Styles took off laughing! NO GOOD.... HEEL!!!!!!!!!!
-Rhyno grabbed the mic and started talking before someone in the control room could crank up the volume. You could practically hear the boys in the back groan and laugh. Rhyno threw down the mic in disgust and ran... I'm sorry... RAN after Styles. AJ took too long to run away and we had one of those moments where Rhino had to stop running at the entrance way or else he would catch Styles so they both were walking... even though Rhyno promised to DESTROY AJ WITH EVERY OUNCE OF HIS BEING.
-Tenay and West (wearing a ugly red shirt with a collar that was trying very hard to escape) told us about the rest of the card. We paid for the damn thing, we might as well know what we are about to get screwed over on...
-WHEN SUDDENLY... Rhyno, in what must've been a BURST of SPEED... caught Styles and dragged him back to the entranceway and Piledrove him on the ramp! AJ's top 5 vertebra imploded on the impact but a quick prayer to God fixed him right up! (Holy Cow! I best get me to church and get in on this bullshit!)
-Rhyno set up a table at the entranceway and waited for AJ to finish selling and get up... which he did... but was aware enough to LIGHLTY SAUNTER out of the way as Rhyno SPRINTED AT TOP SPEED towards him. Rhyno ended up crashing through the table. AJ looked at him and said, "Dumbass." Tenay tried hard to blame Hebner for this, "THAT NO GOOD BASTARD CAN'T LEAVE MONTREAL 1997 BEHIND HIM!!!" West started openly weeping. Gonna be a hell of a show.
-Did you know TNA had someting called the X-DIVISION??? It stars a guy who looks like at least one of his parents, probably his Daddy, was a gazelle. Well, a video montage told us what the division has been up to lately.
-Some girl interviews Jerry Lynn, who admitted to be a 43 year old who is still a mid-carder. "ONE DAY, I'LL GET RICH IN THIS BUSINESS!!" says Lynn... the girl could barely contain a chuckle.
-Chris Sabin, Jerry Lynn, and YOUR X-Division champion, Christopher Daniels all came out for this three-way. It was old vs young vs Half Gazelle. Daniels jerked his head from side to side as if he could smell a tiger approaching. Sabin looked like he had his face freshly smooshed in a vice earlier that morning. Lynn looked like he was trying-out for the role of "Dog" in the movie: Dog: The Movie, Bra! The role of Dog's wife has already been cast... and brutha, Sally Stuthers is gonna FINALLY get that Oscar she DESERVES!!
-In other words... Lynn looks like a 43 year old dope who hasn't realized that long DYED blonde hair on a 43 year old is NOT cool... it just looks like he should be selling weed to high schoolers behind the bleachers.
-The match BEGINS!! WHO WILL WIN?? THE COCKY 24 YEAR OLD?? THE PEAKING 34 YEAR OLD??? THE DECAYING 43 YEAR OLD???
-umm... the cocky 24 year old... who snuck up behind the aforementioned decaying 43 year old moron with the outdated hairstyle (LYNARD SKYNARD IS DEAD, YOU IMBECILE!!!) and won the belt.
-My Hero, Kevin Nash and Bob Backlund... THE Bob Backlund, busted out the guffaws in a 4 minute backstage promo exchange that looked like both men had pre-recorded the conversation three days ago alone in different states and they ran a split screen thing to look like they were in the same room together but one of the TNA producers hit "play" on Backlund's promo 3 seconds after Nash's started so the whole thing was out of joint... that's the beauty of Backlund... his promos have ALWAYS been like that since 1993!!
-Then Backlund stared at Jeremy Borash... he didn't say anything but I KNOW Backlund was just DYING to say, "I thought we got rid of locker room fairies in 1979?" I just KNOW IT!!
-Eric Young showed up too and did something that involved some stupid angle he's in that I can't figure out and probably couldn't figure out even if I tried... which I didn't and don't want to. Just fire the fucker. And boot Borash too. BRING BACK GOLDYLOCKS!!
-Now we had Alex Shelly vs Austin Starr in a Ten Minute Time Limit PCS Challenge! Kevin Nash had joined Tenay and West as the judges came out... starting with Samolian Joe... which was a reference to a 2 minute backstage Nash gimmick from 8 months ago! Then the "Fat Oily Guy", because Russo will SHOW VINCE!!
-And then out came Bob Backlund, to a respectable ovation!! Nash talked about how he and Backlund sold out Madison Square Garden... ALL 36'000 seats... and they had to bus the leftovers over to the Felt Center and FOR CLOSED CIRCUIT!! (I ever mention how I was in THE FRONT ROW FOR THE FIRST WRESTLEMANIA!!! WELL, I WAS... inabuildingfarawayfromnewyorkwatchingonclosedcircuitTV.... the good ol' days!!!)
-The two youngin's went ten minutes... Backlund declared it a draw... Nash took offense... Nash doesn't GET INVOLVED WITH ANY MATCH that doesn't deliver a clear and clean and honest victory!! So he ordered a sudden death OT... which Shelly (who spent most of the match looking like someone jammed a greasy cucumber up his arse as a rib) won! ALL of the PCS contestents came out to celebrate... even Senshi who looked completely miserable! Starr grabbed the mic and said, "I AM A DAMN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER AND DIDN'T SIGN ON FOR THIS NONSENSE!!!" Then he accused Nash of using them to ressurrect his dead career! (HEY.... WHOA!!! MAYBE STARR HASN'T FOLLOWED NASH'S CAREER, SON... BUT NASH DOESN'T WRESTLE!! SOMEONE ELSE DOES AND HE JUST MAKES ALL THE MONEY!!!)
-Finally, Starr tried to get Senshi to walk out with him, but Senshi refused and they started fighting... West screamed, "NO ONE TELLS SENSHI WHAT TO DO!!!" (well, other than Russo... lord help him)
-Then a pissed off Starr went at it with Backlund... Tenay shouted, "OHH, I HOPE BACKLUND DOESN'T SNAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"... so Backlund snapped and put Starr in the Crossface/Chicken Wing... Starr SCREAMED IN MISERABLE AGONY even though his arm wasn't anywhere close to the vicinty of behind his back. Security charged... West wheezed... Nash called his bank to make sure the TNA checked cleared... and we were sent off to some...
-video of why America's Most Wanted is NO MORE....
-Cowboy James Storm with Gail Kim fought Petey Williams... who cares
-Video of VKM
-VKM came out and said that they have sufficiently humiliated Vince McMahon like he has NEVER BEEN HUMILIATED BEFORE (in response, when asked about this, Vince said, "I thought Road Dogg OD'ed in 2001?? What's he been up to?")
-Hmmmm.... Road Dogg BROKE KAYFABE long enough to wish Triple H well on his road to recovery... and even called him "bro'... which was honorable and STUPID at the same time... send him a get well card, you dope.
-Christy Hemme came out and delivered a BEAUTIFUL promo about women in wrestling... but delivered it in near sobbing hysterics which proved that she hasn't taken the last two years away from any prominent ring time to take an acting classes... either that or she ran out of coke a few hours ago and was detoxing!
-Hemme has really long hair now... her ends rub against her ass... you know what that means... POOPY ENDS!!!
-And... umm... I'm finished now... so, to wrap up...
-Kip James hates women but loves getting his cock sucked... luckily, Kip never needed one to get the other
-Buh Buh Ray continues to use TNA to go into business for himself... promptly stiffing the hell out of Homicide for reasons only known in the DARKEST CORNERS OF THE FABLED KAYFABED LOCKER ROOM!!!
-Being the current ROH champion means about asd much in TNA as it does in the WWE (heh... Punk gets Punked by Bob Holly... THERE IS BY GAWD JUSTICE IN THE WORLD!!)
-Joe and Angle had their THIRD DREAM MATCH... which Angle won after a hard thirty minutes where, several times, they were caught having full blown, Sid-Level of Volume, conversations with each other. And about a minute in Kurt Angle gave Samoa Joe a headbut and shattered 3 vertebra... but by God he kept going for the remaining 29!!
-Christian won the world title after a highly exciting multi-near fall, mucho run-ins, crazy Abyss storyline, Sting actually put forth a 75% effort match... which was was crucified by most of the Internet already but I happened to like... fuck you, Russo is Russo and by Gawd he's always up to something!!
-Oh, and both Christain AND Tomko have... like... the whitest teeth... those Carters damn sure supply an AWESOME denatl plan!!
I didn't mind this show! Get the replay... plenty of stuff to see and later whine about!
WRESTLING FROM THE CATSKILLS
Finally, after a protracted contract dispute... before I pack it in for a career...
Italicized so you can know when Hyatte's talking... the return of a long-time favorite around these parts. Straight from the Catskills and straight into your hearts… the one, the only… HAL JOTSKY!!!
-HOWAREYA, HOWAREYA, HOWAREYA!!!! Sell my table bump... please! ba-DUM-dum
-My rat is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Once a year I get back to her town and together we make mud. HO!!!!!
-My rat told me that she wanted to become a wrestler. I said, "Why not? You fake everything else!" YOW
-Hey, and how about that Ric Flair! I heard that someone stole all Flair's credit cards the other day, but he never reported it. The thief spends less than his new wife does. HEY!
-I don't want to say that Ric Flair is old, but that lump on his back just put a down payment on a Condo in Florida. HEY NOW!
-Wrestling is a funny sport. Nowhere else do they make you practice mic work on a road agent's penis. ZAP!
-And then there's Trish Stratus, newly married! I hear Trish's new husband wants to be a wrestler now!! He told Trish that his new finisher would be the Sleeper Hold. She said, "You're gonna have sex with your opponent?" BANG!
-I don't want to say Trish is getting old, but she spent three hours at the beauty parlor yesterday, and that was just for an estimate!. BOYHOWDY!!
-Oh come on! Trish made a beautiful new bride! I haven't seen a blade on a face like that since Cactus and Funk went at it in Japan. HE HO!
-I don't think the marriage will last, tho'. When Trish came home from that police show she found lipstick on her new husbands collar! She asked, "Have you been kissing another girl?" He said, "Hell no, I used my shirt to wipe my dick!" THREWAWAYABETTERGUY!
HAL JOTSKY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!
-Thank you, thank you! Oh you're a great crowd. I haven't heard a pop like this since the locker room watched Triple H's quad tear off. HO!!
-I love the Divas! They are like a lottery ticket! All you have to do is scratch the box and you WIN! YESSIREE!!
-I took Maria out to a nice restaurant and she amazed the waiter by ordering in French! Too bad it was a Chinese restaurant!! WHOA!!
-I don't want to say wrestlers are dumb, but it takes twice as long to build a wrestler snowman because you have to hollow out the head! FERGETABOUTIT!!!
-Did'ya hear about the wrestler who thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats? CANIGETYASOMETHINGNOW!!!
-Or how about the wrestler who thought Eartha Kitt was a set of gardening tools? CHA-CHING!
-One guy who has had some bad luck is poor Konnan. Before he got his hip transplant, the Doctor accidentally gave him a vasectomy! Now every calls him a "Dry Martinez!" FOSHO!!
-Speaking of Hispanics, The Guerrero family has released a cookbook in honor of Eddie's memory! The start of every recipe begins with, "First, steal a chicken!" WOW.
-Look, it’s Pat Patterson! I was just at one of his cook-outs! Not bad, except all the hotdogs tasted like shit! WANTSOME!!
-Patterson's idea of "tender love" is when he and his partner both have hemorrhoids! WHACKITYWHACKWHACK!!
-Ever go to Patterson's church? Only half the congregation are kneeling! COOCOOCACHOO
-How about those Smackdown Cruiserweights, huh?? Mexicans, Jews, and a few darkies!? I don't know whether to cheer them, or to re-start the Third Reich. HEY COME ON!!!
LET'S HEAR IT FOR HAL JOTSKY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!!
-Just a minute, son! Hey how about a big hand for Frank Goodman! I don't want to say Goodman is too JEWISH, but the no matter how many times you try to explain Football to him, he still think a Quarterback is a Tax Refund! SHOOPALOOP!!!
-Why does Frank have a giant nose? Because air is free! BUTIGOTTATELLYA!!
-What's the difference between Goodman and a canoe? The canoe will tip! YOWZA
Uhh... HAL JOTSKY, LADIES AND GERMS!! HOW ABOUT A BIG HAND!!!
-I'M NOT DONE YET, SPARKY!! Today, is Martin Luther King Day, and to honor the Great Dr. King...
Oh my God no...
-How about our new ROH champion, Homicide!
Please... don't do it, Mr. Jotsky!! Homicide kills people for a hobby!! Don't piss him off!!
-Relax kid, it's all comedy! To reward himself for winning the title, Homicide stole himself a nice new Cadillac! He had to return it, though! The glove compartment wasn't big enough to hold his watermelon! HUCKAHUCKAHOO!!
Oh sweet Jesus...
-Once, Ron Killings was run down by a police dog after he sniffed pot in his car! Later, the dog was seen licking its own ass to get the taste of Killings out of its mouth! WHAZZA!!
OH COME ON, MR. JOT... heh, okay, that was funny... HEH
-Why are black wrestlers like sperm? Because only one in every million actually WORK! CHUGGAGUGGUG!!!
BWAHAHA... HA... I mean... BOOOOO GET HIM OFF THE STAGE!!
-If Homicide and CM Punk both jumped off a building at the same time, who would land first? Punk! Because Homicide would stop to spraypaint graffiti on the wall!! HUWAA
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!! PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT MR JOTSKY IS FROM ANOTHER ERA.... WHERE RACIALLY CHARGED JOKES...
-What were the worst three years of Ron Killings' life? The third grade! HAACHAA
WERE MORE ACCEPTABLE!!! HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER... KILL THE MIC!! SECURITY.... SECURITY...
-You cutting me off? Listen, you little jerk! I once shoved a pineapple up George Carlin's asshole 5 minutes before he went on the Ed Sullivan Show!! I once made Joey Bishop's wife deepthroat my crank while Joey was at the Mirage spitshining Sinatra's shoes! You don't give me the hook!
GET HIM OFF THE STAGE!!
-WAIT... WAIT... WHY DOES HOMICIDE CRY DURING SEX? BECAUSE OF THE MACE. JUJUBEEJU
GET HIM OFF!! HAL JOTSKY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!
-You've been a tremendous audience!! Please, make it to the next arena safely. Tip the waitresses and please, please... do not share Steroid needles! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! I LOVE YOU ALL, BUT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, IS A LADY CALLED COMEDY!!
And there he goes...
Umm.... sorry?
FEELIN’ THE LUV ON AIM
Am I really putting in a dumb AIM chat in a column after a three week layover??
YUP!!
The following happened sometime between 4:00 pm Saturday and 4:00 this morning (Monday)
Gooseisforever: your colum sucks
Hyatte1com: but my column is cool
Gooseisforever: it SUCKS and so do you
Hyatte1com: In do not suck... I blow... please understand that
Gooseisforever: John Cena is the best champion ever and deserves his spot
Hyatte1com: I agree
Hyatte1com: and Goose is dead... he had to die so Maverick could learn to fly alone
Gooseisforever: wade keller should go to your shantytown and kick your ass
Hyatte1com: He is welcome to try
Hyatte1com: but he lives in a small town outside of Minneapolis... not exactly the hub of cultural activity... shanty, indeed, sir
Hyatte1com: plus, I'm sure wade has a billion other things to do and cocks to suck before he would want to kick my ass
Gooseisforever: mark madden, then
Hyatte1com: Mark can try too... but Mark is a thousandaire. I doubt he'd risk the lawsuit
Gooseisforever: I do impressions
Hyatte1com: come on... it's okay to not like me, but don't go crazy and start liking mark madden
Gooseisforever: Who is this: "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND IT'S TIME FOR AAAAAAAAAAA*splat*"
Hyatte1com: Umm.... Elvis?
Hyatte1com: John Lennon?
Gooseisforever: "HEY, THIS COCAINE IS ABSOLUTELY PERF*thud*"
Hyatte1com: now that's Tr... uhh... Chris Candido!... bravo
Hyatte1com: bra-fucking-o
Gooseisforever: What is the first thing Lita should do when she comes out of hiding? ---The dishes, if the bitch knows what's good for her.
Hyatte1com: that's not an impression
Hyatte1com: You've been a wonderful audience, but is it okay if I go back to work now?
Gooseisforever: Okay, how about this "Lex, I told you before, I want to break up!"
Hyatte1com: Lex, Lex, Lex.... umm... Sting?
Gooseisforever: I'm leaving, it's good to see you finally have AIDS.
Hyatte1com: you can't see that online
Gooseisforever: I hope you get teabagged by Umanga
Hyatte1com: too late
Hyatte1com: been there, done that
Gooseisforever: good, I hope his sack was good-n-sweaty
Hyatte1com: shouldn't you be leaving? You did sort of promise
Hyatte1com: here, I'll let you get the last word
Gooseisforever: Okay, the last word is HULKAMANIA RULES
Hyatte1com: attaboy
Hyatte1com: whoops
Gooseisforever: u wish you could have a hottie like Stephanie
Gooseisforever: FARTS
My favorite part is when he stopped bitching at me and started doing impressions out of the blue
And then, last Friday, the following happened:
SecretCrush75: I thought Chris was never online on Fridays?
Hyatte1com: He isn't, and he isn't home now either
Hyatte1com has logged off.
Was on my cell-phone at the time.
It's VERY easy to find me online, and its very easy to avoid me too. Easier to find me on the phone too... much more fun as well.
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
He hasn't even bothered making a new year's resolution since 1992!
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*Herman Melville only sold 50 copies of his book "Moby Dick" in his lifetime.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
I WISH I SAID IT FIRST
Here's a brand new segment for you!
Sometime over the last few weeks, I picked up a book filled with thousands of quotes, zingers, one-liners, and wisecracks from famous people. It's a really sweet time killer and I thought I'd share a few samples. Simple and amusing... the way I like things around these parts...
According to Wikipedia; W. C. Fields (January 29, 1880 – December 25, 1946) was an American comedian and actor. Fields created one of the great American comic personas of the first half of the 20th century—a misanthrope who teetered on the edge of buffoonery but never quite fell in, an egotist blind to his own failings, a charming drunk; and a man who hated children, dogs, and women, unless they were the wrong sort of women.
Think John Belushi/Chris Farley of the 30's
Anyway, What did W. C. Fields think of...
-Mae West? - "A plumber's idea of Cleopatra."
-Alcohol? - "How well I remember my first encounter with the Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble upon a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter." AND "I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."
-Preparing for Death? - "I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes."
-Houses? - "Thou shall not covet they neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar."
-Water? - "I never drink water, fish fuck in it."
-Women? - "Woman are like elephants to me, nice to look at but I wouldn't want to own one."
-Marriage? - "I was married once - in San Fransisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The Great Earthquake and fire of 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof... which proves that earthquakes aren't so bad."
-Smiling? - "Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
-Success? - "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
Love the wit... love it.
See, people were sort'a COOL 100 years ago!
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
You know, I didn't even watch it.
ACROSS THE BOARDS
And now, for what might be my final foray into the world of message boards...
What I do is scour through several wrestling related message boards and pick out some amusing quotes made over the last week or so. I never tell WHERE I've gone for these (because fuck them), but you can be assured, I went to a whole bunch of different places.
And we start off with a bunch of comments aimed directly at my all-time FAVORITE topic... Myself!!
"Hyatte fell off the face of the Earth, I believe. Last heard of him doing something with Scaia over at OO (could be way off there, however)."
"Last thing I remember from Hyatte was where he talked to a fake Trish Stratus online for a long time then tried to convince everyone it was really her."
"That's one of the saddest things I've ever read. What is the story there? It wasn't really Trish he was talking to?"
"Hyatte got fooled by both fake!Trish (who had to be someone inside WWE to be as carefully almost-right-but-not-right about inside info...Wonder who it really was?) and fake!Tammy (who was some Scotsman minion). He's, well, not so bright."
"I was reading that column Hyatte did on "Trish" and it was funny. Then halfway through he went on about how he wasn't a stalker and other things and then I realized that he's so dumb I couldn't read the rest out of a slight pity for the moron."
"to me, chris hyatte was kind of like the Rainman/Dustin Hoffman of the icw, only that instead of being a retarted, he acted the part of the chauvinist, racist pig. there were times, however, where hyatte would stray from that image to put out the most interesting columns I've ever read on a computer (save for the Phantom and mitchell). there's 2 specific columns I recollect. 2 novels about tully blanchard and a fictional masked character that really moved me for the way they were written. simply outstanding in their in-your-face, matter-of-fact realness."
"That has to be a typo. How could a publicly traded company endorse barbiturate use on a t-shirt?"
"Personally I'd like to see New Jack on Room Raiders."
"EVERYONE wins in cheeseburger related matches."
"YOU DOUBTED ME YOU MARK, GO BACK TO YOUR CENA-POSTER FILLED ROOM BECAUSE YOU LOVE CENA SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU MARRY HIM, AND ONLY MARKS LOVE CENA, AND I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM BECAUSE YOU HAVE A ROOM FULL OF CENA POSTERS, WHY DON'T YOU MARRY HIM. TRIPLE H TO COME BACK WITH A BIONIC THIGH, WIN ECW TITLE FROM CM PUNK WITH A KNEE LIFT, CLICK HERE FOR HOT TORRIE WILSON BUTTSECKS PICS!"
"Remember when Kurt Angle was the best wrestler in the world? Neither do I."
"Looks like we get a Smackdown mid-card match for a main event at Against All Odds."
"Wrestlemania will suck this year the same way it did last year. There. I said it."
"I wonder wether you're on crack or not. Seriously, that'd be horrible, a Rumble dominated by a huge rookie (who will never be any good) and an old man plus an even older man lying around."
"How exactly is Cena a breakthough personality? A CD no one bought and a movie no one watched? He's a star in WWE, but outside of it, people don't even know how to pronounce his last name."
"I've admired Ric Flair's career as much as anybody, but please tell me this speculation of him winning the Rumble and fighting Cena at WM doesn't actually stand a chance of happening. This whole idea of seeing if he could win the title "one last time" has come and gone. That angle was played in his Raw match against HHH a few years ago. Time to think of something new."
"It's ironic that Howard Stern is accusing Larry the Cable Guy and WWE of being lowbrow entertainment."
"I know everybody on the outside likes Punk...but do you really see him going that far in the WWE? That said...I do lose a little respect for Arn if he doesn't see anything in Punk."
"Pointless info, but Matt Hardy was in my store today buying some crap. I helped him out because he couldn't find crap, and we talked for a while. A mutual friend of ours passed away recently so we had crap to talk about. But the man loves his Zone bars."
"So what other products was he buying at the store besides protein bars? I am very curious to get a peek into matt hardys life. Knowing that he eats protein bars is very helpful."
"I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that Matt Striker is dating Kristal, or that Kristal is really bald."
"HHH could always use his now detachable legs as weapons to bludgeon Tito Ortiz to death"
"Anybody that calls somebody a mark on a fucking wrestling board is a fucking douche."
"Hunter likes nobody. GLASS CEILING."
"I've hated the Toronto crowds... from turning Hogan face at WM, to essentially trying to get themselves over every opportunity since, the actual wrestling be damned."
"People need to knock it off. CM Punk did a clean job to Holly on ECW. It is not the end of the world. CM Punk is not a wrestler that should be booked as dominating wrestler who is undefeated. The WWE was smart to get it done and get it out of the way before people start to make to much of it. I think a series of matchs against Holly would be a good tough man rub for Punk. It is WAY TO EARLY to give Punk a title and if done right he can avoid the midcard titles."
"Isn't AJ Styles a homophobe? Or, is that a cover!!!!?"
"LOL @ AJ Styles being secretly gay."
"Uh, no. Your opinions are terrible. No. We all think you're sufficently tough and badass now."
"Your msg board nickname is KaneBearer, I think that alone gives me respect over you and yes I know I'm a badass."
"THE PEEPS ARE RIOTING IN THE STREETS!"
"Ahhhhh, wrestling nerds... Even among the rest of us nerds, they are extra special..."
"Congratulations, TNA. You've just lost yourself a monthly PPV customer. That was an awful PPV from a booking standpoint and a surprisingly mediocre wrestling PPV (yes, even Joe v. Angle)."
"There were four bouts which featured former WWE talent signed in the last year or so against TNA's homegrown talent. The former WWE talent won EVERY FUCKING MATCH. This is not how you grow a competitor against WWE, by having its midcard discards dominate your show. It's just stupid."
"Arn Anderson really needs to STFU he never drew a dime in the business. Yeah lets get over hardcore holly who has all the marketing ability of a snail."
"It's quite amazing how HHH tries to finish these matches with a torn quad. Nash couldn't even get out of the corner."
"Nothing beats Sid's leg FALLING OFF after jumping off the middle rope."
"I think the right choice for dx is carlito. I would have edge and orton be beating up michaels with carlito making the save next week at the end of raw and under his apple shirt he is wearing a dx shirt. Maybe even a new dx shirt with carlito and michaels on it."
"That 70s Team! RUCKUS! VAMPIRO! It's like CZW, PWG and Thunder rolled into one! I can't wait. HUMAN TORNADO!"
"I accept that. Who are any of us to question ARN MUTHAFUCKIN ANDERSON~?"
"Fools. Don't they understand that CM Punk is the greatest wrestler of all time and one day will as big if not bigger than Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin and The Rock combined!"
"I wouldn't be shocked if that happened...Punk can rub people the wrong way sometimes. He would never be completely buried though, he's too important to the company at the top levels of planning for some petty ego stuff by an agent to ruin that. Lagana likes him and he's the lead writer (for now), and I think Hunter likes him too surprisingly since they have a similar passion for the business."
"I love Flair being a crazy bastard. Flipping off Triple H was awesome, busting himself open in a promo was awesome, threatening to nail Melina with a weapon was awesome."
"Remember the Musical Chairs thing with Flair in it, he was fucking working a game of musical chairs and it was brilliant. Never was there a more entertaining game of musical chairs and it was all Flair carrying everybody else. He is great!"
"It's called breaking them in: WWE style. If Punk can survive it, He'll be fine. He should kiss Steph's ass more."
"You are a fucking retard, and so are the WWE agents."
"Who is Trish Stratus? I've never heard that name nor seen that person in my life."
"If more talented guys aren't even on television, then why should this internet-manufactured superstar be catered to? It's not like he's someone they'd immediately push because of his look or promos. Calling people retards who've been in wrestling for a lot longer than you've posted greatly slanted messageboard posts is kinda ridiculous, but hey, I'm just a dude sitting in front of a computer who isn't gonna be doing anything relatively important for the time being!"
"Is it possible you know some of this is being exaggerated? I remember about a year ago, last February, everyone thought that WWE was already going to fire Punk for appearing in ROH again. Even Angle in his rookie year had to take some jobs. I also recall Cena getting a clean loss to Billy Gunn of all people in 2003."
"This is the second post you've made jerking yourself off for your prediction. Unnecessary."
"Now the only WWE program I will be watching in the immediate future is WWE 24/7, and the occasional CM Punk Sports-Entertainment on Sci-Fi match (I refuse to refer to that garbage show as ECW)."
"WWE.com finally got the answer to the rumor that every internet website is talking about now. PWInsider, wrestlingobserver, pwtorch, and F4w was all over the story about Rebecca Dipetro dating K-Fed. But have no fear because WWE.com has debunked those rumors."
"HoganVs.Cena would not be a good idea for various reasons."
"At this point I dont think The Sandman even cares. Someone here on the board said it best. He's getting paid to show up smash a beer and cane someone and he's done in five minutes."
"I would love to see The Undertaker/Batista. That would be nice for The Undertaker to win the title at 23...just like he did at 13."
"Joe will probably beat Ron Killings on the pre-show next month"
"The VKM segment with Christy Hemme ended up being way worse than that Rosie vs. Donald segment on Raw."
"Final Resolution had it all. Bad wrestling, bad acting, bad interviews, bad refereeing, bad camera work, and bad commentary. A consistently awful performance by TNA. Congrats!"
"Exploding Cages, light tubes, scaffolds?! Human Tornado?! Nate Webb?! Kris Kloss on commentary?! Inhaler spots?! its like every wrestling promotion out there puked in a bucket labeled WSX, and honestly, thats f'n awesome. cant wait to see this."
"It kind of comes off like the older, WWE/WCW wrestlers just came into the company and raped the TNA stars and just said 'ok punks, we'll take it from here so get lost.' Angle looks superior to Joe and Joe comes off as being a level beneath Angle in th end. Sting and Chrisian come off as being bigger stars than Abyss. The Dudleys lose but LAX doesnt get heat on them"
"how difficult is it going to be to sit through another likely mediocre TNA PPV tonight and another likely mediocre Raw tomorrow night as your profession demands while the TWO NIGHT, FOUR HOUR premiere of 24 is airing?"
"I like this. I'm in...PUT DUGGAN IN THE RUMBLE!"
"Who the fuck cares? I'm a wrestling fan, but why the fuck would I expect Herc to know that WWE has two diffrent brands and/or care what show Trish Stratus is on? BTW, Jillian Hall isn't a bikini model. Ashley and Kristal are, but so is Candice and Maria. RAW might have better ratings but is there any doubt that Smackdown is the better show? The fans were chanting "we want wrestling" on Monday, Smackdown excels at that. Finlay, Benoit, London, Kendrick, Helms, etc. It's currently the best wrestling show on TV."
"Vince did not start the circus/freakshow mentality of wrestling, in the days of cari shows, visual appeal has a large role is wrestling. I like the analogy that Vince has used in the past, 'A wrester is someone who catches your eye in an airport.' Punk does not turn heads. Punk and the WWE need to compensate to make overcome Punks looks. And if means he needs to job to Holly and 50 others then so be it."
"msfdnklaklfnd.aksjnfsd;akjdsnfdaslkfsdjf;l ARGGGGHHGHGHGHGH SOOOOO HAPPY!!!!"
"Makes mental note, to be successful, avoid Zone bars."
"i think aj styles needs a pair of bright pink tights."
"I've been a big fan of VKM ever since the angle started. I think it's great they are getting the attention of the WWE. And that fans are chanting their name at WWE shows. Go VKM!"
"That's a very bold statement to make (on a wrestling board), and I find it admirable that you have. Well done, sir."
"Houston, I think we have a troll."
"Backlund is so awesome."
"I say Scott Hall is the masked Samolian."
"Most Flair jobs are worthless and forgettable. Flair jobbing doesn't get people over because it means nothing. No-one remembers a Flair job. On the contrary, a Hogan job means everything and people always remember, This is why Hogan made more stars than Flair."
"I sat in the cheap seats at NYR. In my section of the audience, there were more black fans than white fans. When Cryme Tyme came out, there were a lot of cheers in the arena, but none from the black fans I was seated by. When the smaller Cryme Tyme guy started dancing in the ring and got decked, a black woman a few rows in front of me said, 'He should get his ass beat' and many of the fans around her laughed."
"Last time I saw Al Isaacs (aka Scoops) he was on VH1 for one of those celebrity shows where they get a bunch of really unfunny comedians and actors and comment on pointless news stories. Al was not funny either."
"I haven't watched ECW in a while but I just read the results and is it just me or does the main event picture in ECW resemble Sunday Night heat? RVD vs Bobby Lashley vs Test? This is Sunday Night Heat material. I find it funny how Test got released from WWE because creative had "no plans" for him, TNA didn't even pick him up and now he gets given a main event push. Also whatever happened to the wellness policy? Test looks like he found a loophole."
"I can see Edge as an anti-hero... 'STOP CHEERING ME, GOD DAMNIT!'"
"being the king of the net is not much different from being employee of the month at mcdonald's, anyway."
***
Well, the BIGGEST different is the McDonald's Employee of the Month probably isn't writing stuff that people STILL talk about several months, and several YEARS later...
And people who piss on popular web writers are usually those who have no clue as to how to string together ANY sentence longer than a message board post.
Writing takes TALENT... and this is proven time and time again on thousands of websites and BLOGS every day
And that'll be it for this week.
I've got three more of these left... and in these three columns I'll... umm.... Carnac? Reading Material? Guide to Life? Umm...
I actually have no idea. Guess we'll find out.
03
This is Hyatte